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This is a counseling session for visitation rights. If you would like personalized help with visitation rights or another issue, click on the button to find out more:
The Counseling Situation
I
had an affair with a married man. This affair produced a child. He wanted me to
have an abortion which I refused. Throughout the whole pregnancy we had no
contact. I delivered a healthy baby girl and although I didn't contact him
directly he was aware of the birth by means of mutual friends. When
she was born he made it very clear that he would only be there financially. The
first time he saw his child was in court when she was 7 months old. He was
ordered to pay support, but gave up visitation rights. We returned to court 5 years later for a modification hearing and since then he has decided that he was to establish a relationship with his child, without dealing with visitation rights at that time. We agree that it would be beneficial to her for them to meet but it would be done very slowly, and he would back off if problems arose. The situation went very well or about 6 months, and he started becoming very demanding. He would threaten to take custody of our daughter, he started harassing me at work, criticizing the way she has been raised; second-guessing my decisions, and started telling our daughter that his wife was her Mom. He goes so far as to tell her she HAS to stay with him because the court says so. He wants her completely in her life; he wants to see me lose custody. No
visitation rights have been established through court; the only legal papers I
have concern support. We follow guidelines that would set by the court, they are
very rigid and allow no flexibility. We
aren’t consistent with them because I am too afraid to place any restrictions.
I am very bitter because I did the work and provided a loving family for
her and I scarified my career to be home with her. Initially he
didn't want her and now he is making my life Hell because I had her. He
on the other hand got to finish and graduate college, and start a career. It is
very upsetting to me when I get the phone calls and she is crying because she
wants to come home. Her Father will not listen to her
pleas. He demands that she stay with him. He
always tries to blame me and never wants to take responsibility for her hurt
himself. I
believe this sudden change in him is because of stress he receives from his wife
because of the affair and his wife controls him. If there
are no major holidays or major visits coming up we can talk at length about her
without problems. I am very afraid that the child will suffer damage
emotionally from this vicious tug-of-war he has started and if he gains
visitation rights. I only want what is
best for our daughter I don't want him out of her life just let her decide how
she wants to proceed and let express her own feelings. Her
and I have an open relationship, where we talk about likes and dislikes. I
openly tell her she won't hurt me if she wants to spend time with her father.
She expresses herself by crying, clinging, and sleepless nights I
am afraid that somehow I will lose my daughter. I’d
prefer that her father has weekly visitation rights where she will be home by bedtime.
I just don't want him to punish me for his lack of emotional support the 5 yrs
he was not around. I want him to realize that she is intelligent and is a good
judge of character. He cannot make up for lost time and in order to get respect
he must give it.
The Counseling Response
Each parent has their own
fears, guilt, and control issues that spin out from it. It's unacceptable for parents to work out issues
using their child. The two of you need to come to an agreement about visitation
rights. Either use a mediator or
go back to court. Having a neutral
person makes it easier to determine what's important to each parent and find
good solutions. You’ll have a higher probability of getting what you want using a third party.
Contact your court
clerk's office for information about mediation programs in your community or
contact a lawyer. Getting
a mediator will ease your fears about your daughter being
taken away and create boundaries with a legally binding agreement. It’s important that both
parents needs are addressed so you
can be free to be more loving parents. When visitation rights
are drafted out, keep in mind that these rights may change as
circumstances and needs change for all parties.
In
the meantime, rather than fight, I'm going to give you some
suggestions to make the current situation easier. When you're more
relaxed and less worried, your child will be able to handle things better. Just
telling your child that things will be okay isn’t enough since children pick up on the emotions we think we hide so well. Prepare
your daughter for visits with her father so that they are more enjoyable. Help your daughter change focus
by finding out what she doesn’t like about visiting her father. What might she
be afraid of? Does she miss you? Ask many
questions. Don't make
ANY assumptions about what she experiences there or why she experiences it. Draw
her out as much as possible. Address her fears by emphasizing positive experiences. If one of her fears is of separation from you, do things to make her visits more comfortable. Have her take a picture of you, something of yours she really likes, or a stuffed animal that you create a story for. She can talk to the stuffed animal while she's away. Use your imagination along with hers to create the story as you go along. Make
your language
positive when you talk to her. For example, say that you like having
her visit her father, that you're happy she gets to spend time with
him and get more love. Under no circumstances
mention your fear of her being taken away while she's around. When
he criticizes the way you are raising your child, for
example, your answer will be to thank
him for his input and change the subject. Do not respond to whatever it is
he tells you. What you’re doing is defusing what he says by not
responding to it. Just
because another person expresses their opinion, that doesn’t mean it has any relevance. Do the same thing when he second-guesses your decisions. Thank him for his suggestions and change the topic. Avoid arguments, because you'll end up fighting over who's right. Make it unimportant that his opinion is different than yours. It’s okay to not agree with someone and to not talk about it. When the father tells your daughter that his wife is her mother, do you mean he's telling her to call her stepmother “mom” or is he saying her stepmother is her real mother? Question what’s really being said. If you're not comfortable with your daughter calling somebody else “mom”, look at the situation differently.
These days, it‘s common to have blended families. Your
daughter will not love you any less if she calls her stepmother “mom”. Tell your daughter she’s a lucky girl
to have two mothers to love and watch over her. That she gets extra love
having a second mother, not less. Your daughter is old enough to
understand that you're her “real” mother. If you're afraid of losing your
daughters love, then need to explore your feelings in more
detail.
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