A Counseling Blog: Helping You Help Yourself 

August 31, 2009, 8:57 am

Examination: You Don't Like That Person? Why?

Have you ever thought about why you don't like somebody? We don't like what that person says or does, their mannerisms, their choices, how they treat us, etc. The labels and judgments easily fly out of our mouths and around in our heads. We are taught from early childhood to think and believe in this way. 

If somebody does something to you that you do not like, that person may as well be physically branded. Our dislike, even our anger at another person is always justifiable to us. Yet what we don't see is that we are only repeating our pasts and defining people from our previous experiences.

If we feel hurt by somebody, physically or emotionally, we do not even know that a different way of thinking exists. If somebody has hurt you their fate is signed, sealed, delivered and then frequently thrown in a dark vault and the key thrown away.

Yet this type of thinking and believing does not punish the other person, it hurts you. It hurts you to carry any form of negative thinking about another person. No matter how justified you feel, it perpetuates the hurt you experienced by you reexperiencing that hurt over and over every time you think about that person.

Why change how you feel? Because it will bring you more peace of mind. Because you will be happier. Because you will be healthier, physically as well as emotionally. Because you will experience life differently when you stop applying past meaning to it.

Lets start with the easier situations. You meet somebody and instantly don't like them. They "talk too much", "they are obnoxious", "they are too hard to have a conversation with", "they complain too much", they look like somebody you don't like, etc. The list is endless why we can not like someone.

Yet have you ever really thought about the deeper reasons for not liking somebody? It is because they remind you of somebody from your past. You have judged this person based on a negative past experience that left you feeling hurt, powerless, and out of control in some way. 

Most people will just avoid these reminders from the past, blaming their feelings on the person that they really don't even know. 99% of us will just avoid that person as much as we can. But that person is innocent. They simply have habits and behaviors that coincide with your past that even now you still do not know how to deal with or resolve.

If you did not have this past baggage, this past association, you would not have any feelings one way or another about this person. You would just observe and notice what is happening for them. You would be aware of the insecurities or issues that this person has and not even think twice about what you see.

You would certainly act very differently with the person in question. Maybe you would ask them more questions to draw out their real persona, not the fear-based one that they show you or try to hide behind. You would find out more about who they really are.

When you judge somebody as not being likable, you are in essence rejecting them. This fits perfectly into that persons fears and insecurities. When we have fears and take action out of those fears, we contribute to making those fears real. We then collect the evidence to support why we are rejectable, reinforcing our behaviors. That is what is happening for the person that you don't like. Can you see how this plays out in people you don't like and when you meet people that you think don't like you?

Now lets look at family, work, and people in closer proximity to us that we don't like, are angry at, or even hate. Those people have hurt you in some way. You don't like that. It is unfair. It is the other persons fault. They hurt you emotionally and/or physically. There is frequently rage at that injustice.

Yet, even as you read this, in this very moment it is all in the past. You have not yet learned how to create boundaries, to believe in yourself enough to take different action with these people that hurt you. You don't know how. You may not even be aware that you have different choices available to you. You have been taught to react and feel the way you do now. Are you willing to learn something different?

When you learn how to believe in yourself, you create boundaries with people that have hurt you. You make very different choices from the ones that you are making now. There is no point in judging or labeling these people that you have been taught to think that you don't like; that you are the "victim" of. 

What is the real truth  is to understand that anyone who takes hurtful actions is hugely insecure and full of fear. It is deeply buried in their subconscious minds. You cannot change them, but you can change how you understand them.

When you simply open yourself up to this possibility, you will stop the hurt by making different choices in how you think and perceive these people. From there you take different actions. When you are emotional, you are stuck in a rut of thinking and act like you have always acted. 

When you stop judging, you see the truth about the other person's issues and when you see that clearly and without emotion, you also see that you have so many other choices in how to deal with them. But first you have to deal with your own fears. All your judgments are just hidden fears within yourself. Are you even ready to see that?

When you face your fears, the cycle of hurt stops. Isn't this what you really want? Shouldn't not wanting to feel hurt be your priority? Then take that finger that you are using to point at another person and point it back at you to look for what you can change within yourself. When you do that, you will make different choices that will stop the pain. There is no other way.

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sara
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
03:37 PM

August 27, 2009, 10:49 am

Activation: Motivating and Moving Your Body

In the pursuit of a healthier mind, we forget that the condition of our physical bodies contributes to how well we are able to process information intellectually and emotionally. You have heard it before, that it is important to stay active for a number of health reasons. Yet so many people just do not make it a priority.

I notice the absence of movement in different ways when I go for more than a few days without some form of physical activity. I will be more sensitive, easily tired, and my energy levels go down. This affects how I think and process information, my creativity goes down, feel less confident, and life even becomes more mundane and less vibrant.

I understand that I need to be regularly physically active much like I regularly need food. It doesn't really matter what I do as long as I expend energy in different ways. Variety is the spice of life when it comes to exercise. Finding something that you like doing without having to exert huge effort in getting yourself to do it is the key. 

For me it is primarily gardening, fishing, scuba diving, bicycling, walking, swimming, and the odd venture onto the  treadmill. All of them done occasionally with other physical activities being done less frequently. Each activity uses my body differently and with the variety, each activity feels fresh.

You have to try different things before you find what you like doing. A friend kept planting the seed to attend a NIA class with her. This is a wonderful combination of many forms of movement in the form of dance. I eventually went and have added it to my list of things that I do 2-3 times a month to stay active.

After the first hour long class (that I did at a very subdued level), I came home and had to nap for an hour! My body was just not used to being moved in every direction, no matter how gently! It is amazing to rediscover and reacquaint your body with movement. I had not been aware of all those different muscles before!

When I attend one of these classes, it reminds me of how much I used to move my body as a child. We forget to just move around, to wiggle, twist, turn, to play until we are tired. It is an amazing workout just to play when you are an adult! We need to be moving our bodies in all directions in all different ways. We need to keep "playing" and use our bodies as much as possible.

Kids run for no reason other than because they can. When is the last time you just ran from one spot to the other for no reason other than you felt like it? A full sprint that does not have to last long, just long enough to feel your legs windmilling in the effort, as fast as you can. It is so much fun and feels so good!

Being active needs to be fun, something you enjoy doing or it is easy to lose motivation. Try new and different things. Challenge your body, slowly at first if you have been inactive, but then step it up! You will find that if it is something that you really enjoy, that you will naturally challenge yourself.

A classic example is from my own life. When I typically go scuba diving, one dive is plenty; I am tired afterwards. Doing two dives was out of the question. I honestly did not think I had the physical energy to climb in and out of the boat with all that heavy equipment more than once and swim for more than 45 minutes. Doing it for an hour felt like a challenge! Then there was the cleaning and 'putting away of all the equipment! I don't even particularly like swimming!

Until I changed my motivation that is. I have discovered lobster season! All of a sudden, I can not only do 4 or 5 dives in the same day with two tanks, I can swim for 2 and half hours without even thinking about it. The only thing making me come out of the water is that there is very little air left in my tank!

This change in perspective fascinates me, especially as it happened quite naturally. Searching for and trying to catch the lobsters is so much fun that I transcended all my self imposed limitations. I honestly did not think I was capable of this extra effort. But it stopped being an effort when I found a different perspective that made it fun.

What will it take for you in your life to have fun and be more active again? To have a focus so intense that you forget about what you thought you couldn't do? What is that carrot that can be dangled in front of you to make something so fun that you want to go out and play again? Pay attention to what catches your eye and keep trying different things until you find what will make you want to play again!

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August 24, 2009, 2:45 pm

Cinematization: "Tyson"

I really did not know what to expect when I started to watch this movie other than that it was highly recommended, but I didn't know why. What surprised me the most was the ability of this man to self analyze, to see himself so much more clearly than the average person. To be able to reflect back on oneself, in the public eye no less, takes a great deal of courage.

I think that this movie offers a great example of how to look back upon yourself in the past with little or no judgment. To look at the people in your past and to understand why they acted and reacted the way they did and how and why you reacted to them in turn. Tyson's blunt honesty was refreshing. We all have that ability, we just need to develop it. Many are just too afraid of being judged to go there. Watch this movie to learn how to do this!

To be able to look back at your past with this type of perspective is what allows you to heal your past and to move forward from it with some valuable lessons. If you feel the need to judge your past or the people in it, it is your judgment that keeps you in that past, nothing else. What freedom it is to no longer carry that pain!

We all make mistakes and poor choices along the way. Yet these times are what show us and can teach us what we would like to change. Sometimes it is yourself that you need to change, sometimes it is how you perceive somebody else that needs to change and most of the time it is both at the same time.

In the movie, the controversial ear biting came up. I wondered how that would be dealt with and explained. Tyson passed with flying colors. He explained his actions, held himself accountable, and had moved on from that mistake. He understood why he acted the way he did, why he made that choice, and of course what he learned from that. 

As with all of us, Mike Tyson still has a long journey ahead of him. There is always some area of ourselves that can be bettered and improved. But in order to do that, you need to release your past, the influence it has on you now, and to let go of all that judgment that you have and make it what you used to have. It is, in one sense, just that simple! 

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August 21, 2009, 11:41 am

Narration: A Taoist Tale

In a small village, a farmer met and married a lovely woman.

The villagers all agreed and told the man how good and fortunate this turn of events was. "Maybe" he  replied.

The wife became pregnant and died during childbirth.

The villagers all agreed and told the man how bad and unfortunate this turn of events. "Maybe" he  replied.

Before the wife died she gave birth to a healthy young boy.

The villagers all agreed and told the man how good and fortunate this turn of events was. "Maybe" he  replied.

As the boy got older, he got lost in the woods one day.

The villagers all agreed and told the man how bad and unfortunate this turn of events. "Maybe" he  replied. 

The next day the son returned with a beautiful wild stallion.

The villagers all agreed and told the man how good and fortunate this turn of events was. "Maybe" he  replied.

The farmer built a corral, but the horse broke out and ran away.

The villagers all agreed and told the man how bad and unfortunate this turn of events. "Maybe" he  replied.

The next week the horse returned with a group of mares.

The villagers all agreed and told the man how good and fortunate this turn of events was. "Maybe" he  replied.

The farmer's son tried to ride the horse, but fell off and broke his arm.

The villagers all agreed and told the man how bad and unfortunate this turn of events. "Maybe" he  replied.

A war conscripted all the young men. Because of his broken arm, the son was not taken.

The villagers all agreed and told the man how good and fortunate this turn of events was. "Maybe" he  replied.

I remember reading this so many years ago I can't remember what book it was in! Yet is this not the story of all our lives? Good, bad, good, bad, good bad? Yet one thing always leads to another, it is inevitable. That is what life is all about. It is about all experiences and to think or only wish for good ones is simply not realistic nor is it possible. 

So why do so many people want what is not possible? It is far easier to accept that life can go in any direction and to let go of the concept of good and bad altogether. We do not need to think of things as good or bad in order to make the best choices. In fact, labeling and judging events prevents us from seeing things clearly as we get caught up in our own blinding emotional reactions.

Personally, instead of the "maybe" answer I like to think "I don't really know what that means" when I encounter challenging moments or even when things appear to be going great. That allows me to stay stable when life quickly changes direction. I thoroughly enjoy what is "good" and I actively seek to see what I can learn when things are "bad".  You can choose to see all life events as opportunities to grow as a person.

What other people think is simply what they think and has no meaning other than what we give it, and does not have to be applied in your own mind. As this quote points out: "What other people think of me is none of my business". Know that you are doing the best that you can with the tools that you have. If you do not like where you are, then find new tools to change yourself because it is something that you want for you!

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August 19, 2009, 11:41 am

Manifestation: Taking Advantage of Opportunities

Life is loaded with opportunities. You can see them when you are not in emotional reaction or in judgment of what you see. Case in point is that I get oodles of unsolicited emails through my website. I used to at times feel frustrated or annoyed. Most of the emails I would just delete. Lately though, I have taken a different approach and the results have been quite surprising. 

What I have done differently is to read some of those emails with a completely open mind, with a blank curiosity. I have in turn stumbled upon a series of events with just one email. I responded back to this email with questions about what they were doing and how they were doing it and it led to a cascade of information.

From that person's answers, I decided to make some small changes to my website. As I cleaned up a part of it that was outdated, I noticed an opportunity based on the information that I had just gotten. From there I made some more changes. That in turn led me to being in contact with more people, whom when asked, were more than happy to give me information that I needed to make my site even better. It has been a full week of one event leading to another.

This has created a shift in my thinking about what I thought my website needed to contain or how to approach different aspects of it as a business. At times the week has been tiring and even monotonous, but I had goals that I had set for myself, so I kept working until it was done. It is still a work in progress, but at a much higher level, more efficient, and operating more smoothly.

I still have a number of suggestions to follow because as I listen to people's points of view, I like to research them on my own. I usually come up with my own version of a suggestion, if I choose to use it at all. In the research process, I come across even more ideas and then I can incorporate to reach even a higher level than I originally imagined. 

Today is the day where it is starting to really come together. Taking control and choosing to take action is empowering and invigorating. Yet if I had judged that first email as needing to go straight to the trash, I never would have embarked on this journey. 

In the last week I encountered a number of obstacles as I made my choices and reached a couple of dead ends. But each time, instead of frustration or finding evidence that something wouldn't work, I chose to think about how else can I make this work or what else can I do to use this to my advantage.

Sometimes the answer was to start what I was doing all over again in a different format. Sometimes it meant asking more questions about why do you say that or think that way? How did you come to that conclusion? I only made progress when I kept my emotions and judgment out of it.

By taking the position of curiosity, it has enabled me to communicate to others in a way that they are happy to share with me. I am getting more used to asking for what I want directly. If I do not get the answer or result that I want or was hoping for, I either ask again, point out the value to the other person, or try to find out why that person made their choice. Obstacles actually turn out to be stepping stones.

We frequently don't even realize when and where we are thinking in an old, linear, patterned way until we break free of it. That freedom is what propels the movement forward. 

Wherever you feel stuck or feel that you are not getting the results that you want in any are of your life, look to see where you are in any type of reaction or judging what you are seeing. As soon as you let go of it you will start to see the little shiny specks of gold lying around you, waiting for you to find them!

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August 17, 2009, 8:15 am

Cinematization: "Doubt"

What a wild ride to get carried back into my childhood and attending Catholic schools! That caught my interest right off the bat, though I am always cautious with religious movies, preferring to being a "free" thinker and all. But this movie was brilliantly written, directed, acted, etc.

You will fall into one of these categories when you watch this movie. 

This is one of those movies that does not decide anything for you. It lets you see yourself in how you emotionally respond to the characters. In it's ambiguity you can clearly see how a persons perceptions affects their choices. And there are always multiple perceptions to choose from. 

You can see how a young nuns innocence and is slowly stripped away as she cannot comprehend what is really happening, what to believe on her own, portraying how easy it is to not know what to do, what the "right" choice is. She starts to vent her own frustration and perpetuates the abundant fear based assumptions down the line. Yet her naiveté really doesn't change at all. 

Yet is there really a "right" choice? Everyone is always doing the best that they can, given the tools they have to work with. We all make choices, some that work out well, and other choices that harm us or harm other people. It is not always clear. Yet what is important is how you live your life and feel about yourself as you do it. If you don't feel good about it then what do you do? If being "right" is what makes you feel good then what do you do?

The ending to this movie was profoundly moving. It suggested to me that the burden that a person carries from being "right", the harm that it does to that person and the people around them creates tremendous guilt. That heavy weight cannot be carried for very long before it will bend you to the ground. Your only choice is to learn from your experiences so that you can make different choices in the future. That is the only way that you can move on.

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August 15, 2009, 12:15 pm

Exploration: The Impact of Big Changes in Our Lives

How many times have we heard or been told to stay in the present moment, not to fret or feel bad about the past, to move on. Well, sometimes we need to grieve the passing of not just people, but events, and even material possessions. This is especially true of big changes and even a series of smaller ones

I found myself feeling resentful and even angry at times over many changes that I recently made, big and small. As people who are familiar with my blog already know, the details are unimportant, it is the understanding and processing of the feelings that is important. I want this lesson to be universally applicable to any situation. 

In this series of changes, I had to let go of many things that I was comfortable with, that I enjoyed, that had contributed to creating many years of great memories. That is now all in the past; all old memories now. 

Moving on is supposed to be good for us; bringing us new challenges and new experiences so that we keep growing and don't become stagnant. It helps to keep us feeling alive with that movement. As many readers know, that seems to get harder to do as we get older! Whether we realize it or not, we become attached to things (and people) much more than we realize until we have to let them go.

So, it has been half a year since these big changes were made and I still periodically can feel myself trying to hang on to the memories, being angry and resentful that they are only memories now, that I will not be able to experience them again. I needed to look more closely at this.

What was really going on for me? I was having plenty of new experiences, mostly good if not great, none of them bad, some challenging but of course that is normal life. So what is it that makes me want to hang on to and why do I keep craving the past like that? 

I kept visualizing the really good times from the last few years and instead of it making me feel good thinking about those memories, I was feeling emotional and sad instead. Time to step back from these emotions and analyze this.

What I finally noticed was that I was looking at the process of grieving. The actual changes were loaded with emotions and it had taken a lot of physical and mental energy to make them. Some parts were almost traumatic to my mind, the attachments were just that strong. My body and mind had needed to rest from the overload. I can see times in the last few months where I withdrew, almost numb, from that overload.

Then came the deep feelings of hurt that started to emerge as the numbness wore off. Yet I wanted to judge myself for having them. I should be grateful and appreciate what I have, stop living in the past, I'm wasting energy, and so on. Every time I judged I suppressed and of course what you suppress only builds!

That explained the recent increase in reliving those past memories. There were so many different ways in which those memories were triggered. Think about the five senses: things I saw, smelled, touched, heard, ate...they all could and would trigger me....many times a day.

The overall feelings were somewhat disturbing, both in an emotional and physical way. There was the contradiction and conflicting feelings of good memories being sad! Every strong emotion that we have is expressed physically in some way. It made me tired; I felt susceptible, vulnerable, and unsafe, making me more easily emotionally reactive on some days. Okay, I can see this more clearly now.

Then of course there was the blame. If only this then that. If this hadn't happened then that wouldn't have happened. With blame comes anger. If somebody had done this or that differently then I wouldn't have had to go through this! Yet it is important to note that if the truth be told, that I agreed to everything one way or another all along the way! :) 

Blaming is just my mind trying to rationalize the hurtful feelings to me, to justify their existence. Well, no thank you, that does not work for me! I know that my mind is doing the best it can based on it's understanding of the past, but I want to find a different way of dealing with this because what I am really seeing is how my own mind is trying to interpret events based on the past, on its subconscious patterning.

Anytime we move into blame or get angry, we subconsciously or consciously feel guilty. Guilt is the natural consequence of hurting someone, whether we are aware of it or not. This is also the should've could've would've stage! So let's see what I can do differently here.

Okay, I need to fully allow myself to go through this grieving process while keeping my mind in check. At times I am more sensitive than usual, so I will let people around me know. I will be gentler with myself and softly guide my thoughts into the direction that I want while telling myself "this too shall pass".

I will refocus my mind so that when I do think of a memory that I tell myself point blank "that was a wonderful memory" "that was a great time in my life" "it is okay to feel sad about it, feel it for a moment, then let it go". Each and every time it reappears I will go through some form of this. Each and every memory.

Now that I understand what is happening for me I can move into a space of compassion (which is just deeper understanding) and rather than get stuck in a lack of movement and hanging on to a feeling, I can nudge myself to keep things flowing and moving forward. I remind myself to move more into the role of the observer so that I can watch the emotions rather than get caught up in and amplify them.

My best results always come when I soften, slow down, and understand myself instead of judge; step back from the emotion to observe myself, gently but firmly guide my mind in the direction I want it to go, and then have patience with myself as I adapt to these changes I am making. 

I am grateful once again for yet another lesson in life, another opportunity to grow from my experiences, trusting this uniquely complicated process of growth.

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August 13, 2009, 1:00 pm

Adaptation: It Really is All in the Perception!

Barbara Walters, formerly of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, sometimes even further behind them. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.' "

(By Email)

This is obviously a joke, but it still underlines the fact that when something outside of your control bothers you, there is always another way in which you can choose to look at it. If by some chance this offends you, remember that there is always another way in which you can choose to look at it so that you choose not to feel that way! How you feel is always your choice, whether you are aware of it or not. If you are not aware then choose to learn how to become more aware and make those other choices. It happens one step at a time.

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August 11, 2009, 2:48 pm

Relaxation: A Breathing Exercise to Quiet the Mind

Most of us do not realize how much we live "out there" with our awareness, instead of in our bodies and even within our own minds. How many times have you caught yourself thinking about something, only to come to, suddenly notice your surroundings, realize that you were tense, etc. We actually spend the majority of the time missing from our own lives, caught up in thoughts that take us away from ourselves.

One of the best tools that you can use to stay within yourself more is to remember to breath. Yes, just that simple task of focusing on your breath, breathing slowly and deliberately deeply into your body brings you back into yourself and helps you focus on the present moment. If you want to completely distract your mind and shift how you are feeling in this moment, do the following exercise:

Breath in for the count of one (think "one thousand and one" to make it a full one second long and to get a sense of timing) and breath out for the count of one as fast as you think the number. Then breath in for the count of two slowly, also breathing out for the count of two. Keep breathing and increasing the slow count, making equal counts for the in-breath and for the out-breath.

As you get to the slow count of the number 5 and higher for breathing, notice how your muscles start to relax more on the out-breath. As you go even higher in the count, notice your hart beating and try to match the count to the rhythm of your heartbeat. Notice how your body feels. Notice how you can actually feel the sensation of the air moving in and out of your body.

As you do this exercise, if you are physically uncomfortable or lightheaded at any point, note the number that this occurs at and stop. You have reached your maximum. Relax and pay attention to how your body is feeling. Notice different parts of your body and how differently you feel as you look around you. Notice how your thoughts stopped when you did this exercise.

If you can comfortably go higher in your breath count, then do so. Notice how when you breath in very slowly that you can bring in more breath than you ever imagined. Feel your belly as well as your chest expand when you breath in and feel them fall back into place as you breath out. Stop increasing the count when your lungs feel full and you are holding your breath rather than taking more air in.

As you go back to breathing normally you will feel rested and even energized. Your mind will feel clearer and any emotional reactions diminished. It is an overall good feeling. It is important to remember not to push yourself when you do an exercise like this. This is meant to gently nudge you  into more self awareness. If you push yourself you reverse the benefits.

So remember to do this exercise any time you want to stop negative thoughts, obsessive thinking, to give yourself a break, to  relax the muscles in your body, to ease tensions, or to simply become more present in yourself. Since worrying accomplishing absolutely nothing, use this to clear your mind and then don't be surprised if some interesting solutions come to you in this relaxed, clear space!

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August 9, 2009, 12:25 pm

Cinematization: "12"

The movie "12" is a foreign film, nominated for an Oscar. It is intense in the way that it clearly shows how humans have a tendency to automatically act/react without thinking about the consequences. Through a riveting 2 hours and 40 minutes it takes you through the psyches of why people made the choices that they did, based on the their personal influences and interpretation of events.

It is only after questions are asked and the status quo questioned that people start to see the truth about the situation, where the assumptions, even though based on "expert" "facts", are not what they appear to be at all. Slowly the tale unwinds, unveiling personal, political, and social structures that complicate our lives and how we make our choices.

The characters are all so unique and brilliant in their representation of the differences in each of them, differences that are easy to judge, to be repelled by or drawn to, depending on how you see them. There are so many sub-themes that are explained if you read the reviews for the movie  on www.rottentomatoes.com. 

This is just one of those movies that stirs the soul. It leads you and directs your emotions in such a masterful way that you don't even realize that it is happening. That probably has something to do with having to read the subtitles so quickly that you don't have time to think or judge, you just barely hang on for the ride!

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August 8, 2009, 11:26 am

Cinematization: "The Wrestler"

I have watched many movies that I felt had great messages over the years and that was one of the motivators to start a blog, because not everyone sees or hears those messages. I am a movie buff and love to look for those hidden or not so hidden reaffirmations of what I understand about people. Not in how good or bad people are, but in how our psyches work and how it affects our choices and behaviors.

Case in point is the movie "Lars and the Real Girl" which was a phenomenal movie about healing when a community pulls together instead of judging what they don't understand. Yet one young lady that had seen it with her friend could not get past the part of the blow up doll and stopped watching it. When we judge something, we literally and figuratively stop watching, listening, miss the point, and miss many opportunities.  Life is truly all about how we choose to see it.

The movie "The Wrestler" was a big surprise. It is not often I see a movie so highly rated, at 98%, on rottentomatoes. Even now, 2 days after watching it, it still brings up many emotions about the character, an aging professional wrestler Randy "The Ram" brilliantly played by Mickey Rourke. Where do I begin describing my experience of it? 

There is such sadness about seeing the direction that lives can go, the broken illusions and dreams. How when a person defines their own value externally and that external value is stripped away, how there is little of nothing left in them. I found parts of this movie to be just about heartbreaking, yet in a fascinating way. 

You see how The Ram is so caught in the cycle of what he knows, of what he is familiar with, that warning bells should go off in your head as you watch it. How are we still making choices that lead us to the same consequences throughout our lives? It is so easy to look at another person and see what they could change about themselves to make their lives easier, to bring in that love that they desperately crave. But what about taking that hard look inside your own life?

One of the interesting points in the movie is when the Ram works at the deli. When his mind is clear and open, he turns his job into an art form. The delight of the scene flows off of the screen. Conversely, when he is in fear of judgment and is adversely affected by the consequences of his choices, where his mind and soul are heavy, his job becomes a nightmare. Everything builds up and boils over. It was a brilliant example of how our perceptions and state of mind affect our experiences.

Some of the scenes are painful to watch, both from a physical as well as emotional viewpoint. A person's body can only take so much abuse. Whatever we subject our bodies to does come back full circle in all of us. This movie is also poignant in how even when a person wants to change, they don't because they just don't know how. 

It reflects back to each of us that hurting place inside that we just don't know how to heal on our own, how we just continue the cycle that is subconscious within us. The saddest past is how just a few attempts at change end up becoming evidence to support that hurtful cycle. We end up reinforcing how unlovable and rejectable we are in our own minds instead of persisting and trying again and again until we do finally get it right. 

Yet The Ram has an inner strength to him, where he sees how the choices he makes create his reality and  they bring him to the edge of change. He goes into his own vulnerability, the space where changes can be made. But a series of misperceptions and self judgment stop that opportunity. It is that feeling of getting so close that totally captured me as a viewer. You get so drawn into his character because of this and for many more reasons. 

As with many great movies the ending is ambiguous. A combination of does he "win" or does he "lose"? I guess that is all up to how you choose to see it. One one level he does win in what he knows best, but on another level he loses by giving up in pursuing those changes that he had hoped and strived for and felt he had lost.

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August 6, 2009, 1:59 pm

Recreation: How to Stop Gossip

Mildred, the town gossip and self-appointed monitor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several town members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new town member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing ...

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night  !!!

Source: Unknown through email.

I will never get tired of saying this. When you don't go into emotional reaction you can access your creativity and find solutions outside the box. A person could argue that what Frank did was hurtful to Mildred, yet that would only be the meaning that you apply to the situation. The action on its own has no meaning other than the one you give it! 

I like to envision Frank as the kind of guy who understood that a person who gossips has a lot of fear that they make up for by trying to important and have value in other people's eyes. They lack a healthy sense of self value and do not know how to be any different than they are. Judging them only causes them to feel even more inferior and resentful, increasing the need to be self important.

If Mildred chooses to go into emotional reaction and be hurt by Frank's actions, then she drives herself further into the catch-22 cycle of  resentment, anger, guilt, punishment, and sacrifice. Yet there is always an opportunity to grow and learn from every situation. She can choose to see how she made an assumption and gave the situation a fear-based meaning that did not exist. From that one simple lesson she could make far different choices in the future.

One little (or big) step at a time!