Transformation: Creating
Boundaries & Establishing New Behaviors
Whenever you try to set a boundary or
establish a new behavior with someone, more often then not, it doesn't go
over well with the other person. In fact, their reaction is usually so
unpleasant to us, that we would rather not have to deal with the reaction
and our fears win that round. In our minds, it is easier to stay in the
same rut than face somebody's anger or disapproval.
The way to be able to pursue
boundaries and new behaviors is to understand the other persons response
better. The people around us are used to us acting in a certain way. As
soon as we change a behavior on our end, it trigger subconscious fears for
the people around us. The new behavior is an unknown factor and we tend to
fear that which we do not know.
So when you introduce a new behavior,
some type of fear is triggered for the other person. When this happens
they will go into some version of fight or flight. Understand that this is
a result of them not feeling safe. Their reaction has nothing to do with
you and everything to do with their automatic reaction to what their
subconscious mind is perceiving from that place of fear.
The only way to move through this is
to first understand that the reaction is not about you. If you go into
reaction, you will not be able to reinforce the new behavior you are
trying to make. You will try too hard and force acceptance of the new
behavior (which does not work) or you will give up in fear. Instead, focus
on trying to better understand the other person to take your mind off of
your own fears.
Ask them why they are reacting, what
is it that they are are afraid of, did they feel somehow threatened by
what you said or did, did it make them feel uncomfortable and if so, how?
By guiding the other person into the direction of safety, helping them
understand that there is no threat, it will stop their fight or flight
response and allow you to keep pursuing this new pattern of behavior.
When you think about the types of
questions to ask the other person, they will be the same types of
questions that you would ask yourself about your own reaction. What are
you afraid of when you go into emotional reaction? How are you feeling
unsafe? What assumptions are you making? What meaning are you giving the
situation that is feeding your reaction?
When you take this route in
communication for both yourself and the other person, you create a sense
of safety within both of you. The first time you take the helm and
purposely navigate through the choppy waters of change it still feels
uncomfortable, but it empowers you to keep trying to change. It is a
process of trial and error. If you persist in this way, you will
successfully be able to create new behaviors and establish newer and
healthier boundaries for everyone involved. It is just a matter of safety.
I read the following in an article
titled "Fit Fish" by Ann Dermody:
Just like humans, it seems fish
need to balance their stress levels. A key finding is that the stress
hormone, cortisol, activates a "growth shutdown" response in
fish. Thus if the fish experiences prolonged stress, that inhibits
production of the primary growth promoting hormone. Take away the stress
and bingo! Bigger fish all around .... An added benefit is that the more
exercise they get, the more peace and harmony reigns in the fish
tank.
Professor Kevin Kelley of the
Environmental Endocrinology Laboratory at California State University,
long Beach says:
"We have often seen that fish
under conditions of no exercise turn their attention to each other, and
show antagonistic interactions ... Stressed fish will not perform as well
physiologically ... the best growth and condition of the fish will lead to
enhanced overall productivity. Fish are our fellow vertebrates and they
have the same hormones and physiology as humans. They can suffer from the
consequences of stress much the same way we do".
Well, well who would have thought
that fish could suffer from stress and benefit from exercise! But lets get
to the point. Many people experience high stress on a repeated basis. When
higher and prolonged levels of cortisol remain in the bloodstream from
chronic stress the following happens:
Impaired cognitive performance
Suppressed thyroid function
Blood sugar imbalances (like hyperglycemia)
Decreased bone density
Decrease in muscle tissue
Higher blood pressure
Lowered immunity and inflammatory responses,
slowed wound healing, and other health consequences
Increased abdominal fat associated with health
problems such as heart attacks, strokes, higher levels of bad
cholesterol (LDL) and lower levels of good cholesterol (HDL), leading
to yet other health problems!
Both the body and mind need to be
trained to minimize the stress response and to mitigate the effects that
stress has on a person. Relaxation techniques can be taught and
taken advantage of to relax the body when stress is experienced.
Of course exercise should always be a
high priority, whether a person is stressed or not.Other options
are guided imagery, journaling, yoga, music, breathing exercises,
meditation, and even sex! It is even possible to learn
different responses other than the stress response to daily
challenges.
Whether or not you are aware of it,
much of the stress that you feel can become a choice through raised self
awareness. Stress is a response to fight or flight and you can be taught
to have a different response by learning how to interpret events
differently than you do now. When you learn how to make yourself feel
safer, you stop going into fight or flight as easily and stop getting as
easily stressed.
Confirmation: Growing Old
is Not What it Used to Be
This one is for the men! I have
already covered the topic of aging in an earlier Blog and how important
exercise is to stay young and healthy far beyond what we currently believe
about being old. Yet when I saw this in the headlines and was finally able
to find a video to place on my site, I just had to reinforce this message.
This headline was everywhere 2 days
ago: "74 year old Tsutomu Tosuka crowned champion in the Japan
Masters Bodybuilding Championships". Excuse me but, 74 years old
and he looks like that?! If this doesn't inspire you to change your
habits right now, I don't know what else will!
Getting "old", as in the
body just wears out and there is nothing you can do about it, is the
biggest piece of nonsense. It really is so simple. Eat healthy and
exercise regularly. Add to that: learn how to minimize or even get rid of
stress and you will be healthier than you could ever imagine.
Stress is not what happens to you, it
is how you handle what happens to you. If you control the factors that are
within your control, you will have an entirely different life experience.
Stop making excuses and start taking action!
I wonder how many people really know
how externally focused we are most of the time. The sheer amount of
thinking that we do takes our awareness out of ourselves and somewhere out
there into the stratosphere. Only occasionally and sometimes only for mere
seconds at a time do we actually check into ourselves to see how we are
doing, feeling, experiencing.
When we interact with others, we tend
to lose sight of ourselves as we become almost completely focused on the
other person. We generally put on different personas depending on the
situation and what we want to show of ourselves, what we think we need, or
depending on what we are afraid of.
When we become externally focused, we
tip out of balance within ourselves, as if that act of reaching outwards
mentally acts as a cantilever and puts too much weight on that side. We
end up having to compensate for that imbalance afterwards, which takes
extra energy out of us and makes us tired.
You can teach yourself to maintain
your awareness and watch yourself and how you respond or react in all
situations. Just gently remind yourself to pay attention to what you are
doing. Stay aware of how you feel in that moment. Doing so actually will
help you to feel better.
Taking on the role of the observer of
yourself frees you from the emotions that you are feeling or thoughts that
you are thinking. It is not unlike having a split personality. You just
watch and observe, not thinking anything about what you see. Don't be
surprised if you just suddenly feel better out of the blue!
By observing, you stop whatever it is
that your mind may be thinking about, worrying about, or what it may be
afraid of. Just watching yourself is a freeing feeling that you can
practice at any time to bring a little more peace into your life. Try it
you will like it!
This was a delightful movie that
underlined how to maintain one's focus on one's dreams regardless of your
circumstances and the pressure of the dreams that other people have for
you. The message is sometimes overly simplified and seems unrealistic in
certain parts, but overall a thoroughly enjoyable animated movie.
Some of the best parts of the movie
came in the form of "wise sayings", some of which were actually
new to my ear. It is always refreshing to hear ideas said in new ways that
illustrate a point better than you have ever heard before.
The first is: "One often
meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it." I laughed
'knowingly' when I heard it, without really being sure exactly what this
meant. I just loved it when I heard it! It felt so universal to all of
us.
Then when I thought about it I
realized that it could very easily be applied to how when we try to avoid
our fears, we end up inadvertently creating them by the actions that we
take in fear. Our destiny is to remove as as many fears as we can within
this lifetime. That allows us to move ever closer to whatever the true
destiny is for each of us.
The other quote that I loved was:
"The mind is like this water, my friend. When it is agitated, it
becomes difficult to see. But if you allow it to settle, the answer
becomes clear." This is actually a brilliant quote that relates
back to what I said in the previous paragraph.
Every time we are in some form of
emotional reaction, whether we are aware of it or not, it relates back to
some form of fear, some feeling of lack of safety. Our defenses go up, we
get into a defensive position, we go into some form of fight or flight,
whether in just some small degree or in a full blown reaction.
This flurry of activity causes
turbulence that stops us from seeing what is really happening. We end up
seeing only that which supports our fears and emotional reactions. We end
up being right, but only about what our fears tell us. Being right is not
equivalent to seeing clearly and being able to see the truth.
As long as your mind is agitated for
any reason, you are only seeing the agitation as you take action to
protect yourself. How do you know if you are seeing clearly? You are
seeing clearly if you are observing what is happening around you
through a sense of peacefulness, even joy. Not needing anything from
anyone, not needing to give anything to anyone, just being. That is the
place of clarity.
Reinterpretation: What Does
Being 85 Years Old Look Like to You?
I am always on the lookout for role
models in my personal life as well as for others. Most of the elderly
people that I met in my childhood and young adulthood were just
that...elderly. One of my biggest fears, and I am sure of many people, is
the thought of growing old and becoming ill and frail.
The first time I ever came across the
concept that being old did have have to equate with being weak was in a
magazine almost 20 years ago, when I read an article and saw picture of a
very buff and muscularly ripped 65 year old male. It was amazing and
completely challenged my "getting old" beliefs.
Being well over the age of
"29", I see the changes in my own physical form, making me rethink
many of my own choices and how they will dictate how I age. Earlier this summer I
had noticed that I barely had the strength to pull myself out of the water
into a paddle boat. That was a wakeup call about my choices and lack of
continually building muscle. If you don't use it, you lose it.
The lack of physical strength does
not occur because we get older...it occurs because we stop doing
activities that keep us strong. We stop prioritizing our own bodies and let them
decline. It is yet another area in which we need to step up our
accountability.
This video was sent to me by email. I found it to be tremendously inspiring. Dorothy
Dale Kloss's story as an 85 year old showgirl says it all! Read
the article in the link above and watch this video. This is one of my best
role models for aging ever (other than Helen Mirren looking fabulous in a
bikini at age 63!)
If you have ActiveX controls blocking
you from seeing this video, temporarily allow them to see it.
For whatever reasons, it appears that
many of my challenges are currently around my website. The last 7 days
have been a period of high stress alternating with taking appropriate
action, combined with trust and much patience. You see, my website
"disappeared" off the face of not the earth, but off of Google,
which in terms of the internet, is the earth!
When my business
"disappeared", my initial reaction was a feeling not unlike
being kicked in the gut, like the air was knocked out me and I felt unable
to breath. My first assumption (and you should know by now what I think
about any assumption other than "I don't really know what that
means")
was only partially correct.
My website was no longer being
indexed (listed) by Google, but I took it to mean the worst had happened,
in which case it can take months before a site gets reindexed, if ever.
Contemplating over 9 years of work going down the drain was not a good
feeling.
It was time to do some research to
try to find similar problems and to see what solutions had been found. My
first actions were based on my worst fears. As I did more research and my
fight or flight response faded, I realized that my initial assumption
about what the real problem was was wrong. When I looked more closely at
the situation, I identified a completely different and unrelated problem.
I was able to then take appropriate
actions and get the exact help that I needed in order to solve the
problem. The trust and patience became important when faced with the input
of my husband, who is excellent at troubleshooting, but whose concerns and
fears I had to counter as well as my own.
It took an agonizing 5 days to see
the results of my actions, but everything is ironing itself out and my
website is slowly getting back to where it used to be, with me being that
much wiser for the experience. And what did I learn and reinforce?
That all assumptions and actions
taken out of our initial emotional reactions do not give us results that will address the
real problem. One assumption almost always leads you to another assumption,
taking you further away from the best solution. The true problem can't even be
identified until you stop being in fight or flight. When you can see
clearly, you can then more readily find solutions.
Once you have truly done what you can
to change your situation and your way of thinking, you must remain firm in
what you know. This is not "being right". If you feel the
need to fight to defend what you know, you are in emotional reaction and
back to square one. Knowing is a soft strength that you stand firmly and
calmly behind. There is nothing to defend.
Patience and even faith is required
once things have been set into motion and when you have done all that you
can effectively do. Let go of needing to take additional action and just
stay aware of what is happening around you and know what your next action
would be if it is needed. Otherwise, take care of the other things in your
life that need your attention.
Stress is exhausting. Eat right, take
extra time to exercise your body, if only for 15 minutes each day. Get
enough sleep. Under no circumstances do you allow your mind to contemplate
the worst other than to run down the list of possible outcomes and
possible solutions.
Every possibility always exists, but
the probabilities of an event happening is what is relevant. If your mind
still insists on focusing on a negative outcome, question why, don't let
it bully you. If it wants to obsess, then fine, why not steer it in the
direction of a positive outcome? If all possibilities exist, it might as
well be a good one that you think about!
Most importantly, remind yourself
every minute if you have to, that you really do not know what this
challenge means. That you are giving your challenge the meaning that it
has. That is where you still hold power when your mind is in fear or
worry. Worrying only robs you of the precious energy you need to work
towards a solution. You can take control over yourself, you are never
powerless. An amazing lesson.
Who knew that Tommy Lee Jones played
football at Harvard, never mind had Al Gore as a roommate! That the
Doonesbury character B.D. is based on Yale's quarterback at that time,
Michael Dowling. But I am off track. This was a surprisingly interesting
movie, documentary actually, especially once they created the basis of the
story and started showing more clips of the game (which truly was a cliff
hanger, even knowing the results in advance). When the movie ends, the
unusual title completely makes sense.
What I loved best about this movie,
is how the impossible can happen, despite the odds, despite so many
seeming obstacles. Nobody thought they could do it. Harvard did the
impossible in a fascinating series of events that all contributed to the
end result of making the impossible possible.
I don't remember the exact quote, but
one of the Yale players made a comment that it felt like (my words) the
universe was conspiring to help the other team win. Yale made a series of
errors that they rarely ever made individually, never mind one after
another. It was as if they were not able to do anything right in the end!
The opposite was true for Harvard, where a that series of impossible
events seemed to just fall into place as needed. Miracles some would say.
This movie should be watched as a
reminder to never give up on what we want in our lives, regardless of what
we think we see, that life is showing us not only that it is not
happening, but that it can't happen. This line of thinking will be quickly
discarded in light of watching this film.
There are so many other added bonuses
in this movie. First lets be clear that I am not a football fan, so I did
not think that I would particularly enjoy this film, but had read enough
in a review to remain openly curious about it. If I hadn't been open to
it, I probably would not have even watched it, never mind made it through
the first half hour. It actually has a lot of humor, subtle and obvious.
The movie has many philosophical
moments, much reflection and introspection, mostly with blame or guilt.
That is what we are supposed to do with our pasts, use them to learn from,
see how every part of our pasts makes us who we are now, and to grow from.
There are no losers in this film, only people who lived and learned.
Watching this film will also point
out our prejudices in terms of the stereotypes that we have about the
people we see around us, how they have it better or worse, or have some
sort of special privilege when we don't. I am talking about how we have a
tendency to compare ourselves to others. There just is not point.
Only your own life should matter to
you, what you think of yourself and how to think better of yourself, to
get out of any cycle of blame or guilt. Blame and guilt stop you from
growing and becoming that person that you can be, the one that can make
the impossible happen. Use this movie as an example of how to learn how to
reflect on your past and stop perceiving things as right or wrong or good
or bad. Reflect, learn, grow, and move on.
Changing your patterns of behavior
and way of thinking can take time. Many people, when they try to introduce
changes into their own lives or look for it in others, lack the patience
and persistence required. Of course what happens when we lose patience is
we judge ourselves and judge other people as not being good enough in some
way. This reinforces the exact pattern that you are wanting to change.
I thought about this last night as I
prepared the coffee machine with fresh ground coffee for the morning. I
can only drink a small amount of coffee, so I like mine fresh and won't
drink it when its a day old. So I throw any leftover coffee out at the end
of the day. Over the last few weeks my husband has asked me (more than a
few times now) to save the leftover coffee because he will drink it the
next day.
We don't have leftover coffee all the
time, so more often than not when we do have it, I automatically, without
thinking, pour the leftover into the sink. Each time I catch myself
as the last of the coffee is streaming out of the pot and only then do I
remember the request to save it!
In the past I would have felt bad or
guilty over my lack of remembering. I would have had judgments on myself
about wasting something, for not remembering, for not learning fast
enough. Because of that self judgment, if my husband would have brought it
up I would have gotten defensive about it, because of how I was judging
myself for it.
But now that I understand what it
takes to change a habit, the only thoughts that go through my mind are
simple and gentle reminders about the new behavior that I would like to
establish. When my husband brings it up again I see it as a reminder and
give no additional meaning to it. I see humor in it and remind myself to
strengthen my focus on what I want to happen.
I know that it will take time. I know
that in the beginning, that I will forget more than I will remember. I
know that I "will not succeed" in the beginning. How many time
have you tried to do something different than you usually do once, twice,
three times or more even and then stop trying? It can take far more effort
than that to change. Some things change quickly and others do not. Each
thing is different.
The way to make changes is to keep
trying again and again until the change happens and becomes part of you
new automatic behavior. Sometimes you have to think about creative or
different ways in which to remind yourself. I have now thrown the coffee
out about a dozen times and have remembered to save it twice. With
persistence, saving it will become a new habit.
But perhaps in an effort to help
myself change this habit I can put a note on the coffee machine to remind
me. Or I can put the coffee in a container as part of my dinner
preparations. Or I can put a reminder in my Outlook or email myself! I can
tell you right now that just writing about this will go a long way in
putting my focus on the new behavior I want to create.
Our minds are so used to traveling in
the directions that they are used to going (our patterns of thinking and
behavior) that it can take a lot of effort to refocus the mind to the new
direction we want it to go in. We actually are changing the neural
pathways of our brains when we change our behaviors and our emotional
responses.
Remember this the next time you want
to change a pattern in yourself or if you see somebody else trying to make
a change. Encourage them or yourself with patience, creativity and even
humor about how to keep gently reminding yourself to put the focus back on
what you want to achieve - not on what isn't working yet!
Investigation: The
Evolution of Curiosity and Discovery.
Who are you Mr. Bill? I now have a
person who is posting comments on a daily basis, saying more or less the
same few words over and over. I have deleted the extra postings this
morning. What do I do? As is typical in life, another obstacle comes up
that I am not sure how to deal with!
Mr. Bill Bartmann. It is safe to
assume that he is not the Mr. Bill Playdoh character from Saturday Night
Live. Perhaps he is the billionaire Bill Bartmann from Tulsa Oklahoma in a
bored period of his life? Perhaps he is the actor of that name preparing
for a role? Is he the Canadian Idol hopeful wannabe? Is the name even
real?
As it turns out, this is an automatic
spammer that has over ten thousand entries across the internet in various
forms! I am discovering this as I write and look up the name on the
internet. All entries for this spammer are short, generally a few words.
So I have developed a new strategy to adjust for this type of spamming. We
will see how this works.
Being curious and even finding humor
in this situation (instead of being annoyed or frustrated) is what allowed
me to identify the real problem and from there, look for yet another
solution. The best solutions appear when a person is curious, not judging
or making assumptions and then applying meaning to those assumptions.
It was not a person making a manual
entry as I originally assumed. When I assume something, I inevitably look
in the wrong direction for the answer. Not assuming allows me to see
clearly and to find alternatives far more easily. If I judge I get stuck,
almost as if I have blinders on that prevent me from seeing anything but
my own version of a situation.
Another aspect of how this situation
has evolved is when something challenges me and I find myself calm and
curious instead of having an emotional reaction, it feels like I have
passed a test. Be it big or small, it doesn't matter. It becomes another
milestone in my growth. It reflects back to me acknowledgement of the work
that I am always doing on myself.
Acknowledging yourself is necessary
in order to increase your positive sense of self. You create the habit of
giving yourself your own positive feedback. If I rely on feedback from
others to make me feel good about myself, how do you think I will feel if
I get negative feedback? In order to not be influenced by other people's
opinions, I strengthen my own opinion of myself.
Okay, so the learning curve continues
(of course!). I was finally informed that the comment option was not
working properly and people have been unable to add comments to my blog or
Ezines! In my attempts to stop the automatic spammers, I made the settings
for adding comments too restrictive. I believe that I have fixed this so
that comments can now be easily added.
Bill Bartmann
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
04:13:04 AM
This site rocks!
tasuta kino
Sunday, September 27, 2009
12:58:02 PM
I
think this was a very interesting post thanks
for writing it
