Last year I covered his job, while he went on an annual 2-week holiday with a friend. I discovered a letter in his desk written by a girl declaring her love for him with many intimate details. I started to investigate it. I was in a complete state of shock, jealousy and total disbelief. I was trying to find evidence to prove his innocence. Before I had put enough pieces of the puzzle together, he called me. I jealously asked him who she was. He made up what I knew afterwards to be a lie. Last year I covered his job, while he went on an annual 2-week holiday with a friend. I discovered a letter in his desk written by a girl declaring her love for him with many intimate details. I started to investigate it. I was in a complete state of shock, jealousy and total disbelief. I was trying to find evidence to prove his innocence. Before I had put enough pieces of the puzzle together, he called me. I jealously asked him who she was. He made up what I knew afterwards to be a lie. 

She tried to cut contact between them after that, but he wrote back that nothing bad happened and that he didn't want to lose contact. They'd corresponded as recently as 1-1/2 years ago. Finding all of this out has been the most jealous traumatic experience and confirmed my jealousy. I called him while he was still on his holidays and broke up with him. When he returned he asked to see me. We met and talked. 

I asked him to tell me the whole story without telling him everything I knew. This time he told me the story exactly as I knew it to be. I had told myself not to feel jealous or sorry for him, but he had thought about this for 2 weeks and started telling me all these things he'd realized he'd done wrong, the things I'd been thinking about and noticed but had never said.  I asked him to tell me the whole story without telling him everything I knew. This time he told me the story exactly as I knew it to be. I had told myself not to feel jealous or sorry for him, but he had thought about this for 2 weeks and started telling me all these things he'd realized he'd done wrong, the things I'd been thinking about and noticed but had never said. 

That he wasn't patient and accepting enough of me, and he didn't do enough to make me feel special and sexy. He wanted a second chance. He described a new relationship I'd only dreamt of. I made 2 requests: that he break contact with that girl and that he go see a shrink. He agreed to my conditions and I decided to give it another go. After all, I had invested a lot of my time in this relationship and wanted to see it work as much as him and not be jealous.  That he wasn't patient and accepting enough of me, and he didn't do enough to make me feel special and sexy. He wanted a second chance. He described a new relationship I'd only dreamt of. I made 2 requests: that he break contact with that girl and that he go see a shrink. He agreed to my conditions and I decided to give it another go. After all, I had invested a lot of my time in this relationship and wanted to see it work as much as him and not be jealous. 

At the end of last year I decided I couldn't take it anymore. We'd been getting on well at first, but pretty soon our relationship seemed to be back to normal. I started to feel jealous, needy, and irrational again, all these bad feelings about myself because of the jealousy. Everything everywhere jealously reminded me that he'd been unfaithful and had been physical with another woman.  At the end of last year I decided I couldn't take it anymore. We'd been getting on well at first, but pretty soon our relationship seemed to be back to normal. I started to feel jealous, needy, and irrational again, all these bad feelings about myself because of the jealousy. Everything everywhere jealously reminded me that he'd been unfaithful and had been physical with another woman. 

We talked and decided to break up. We stayed out of touch for 1 month. I was miserable at first, but was doing surprisingly well. Then an overwhelming curiosity about how he was doing and sexual frustration led us to spend one night together. This started a chain of dates that ended up either at his or at my house. After two months of deep, honest conversations, fun times, loving and caring and sharing, we got back together with no jealousy. We talked and decided to break up. We stayed out of touch for 1 month. I was miserable at first, but was doing surprisingly well. Then an overwhelming curiosity about how he was doing and sexual frustration led us to spend one night together. This started a chain of dates that ended up either at his or at my house. After two months of deep, honest conversations, fun times, loving and caring and sharing, we got back together with no jealousy.

We've now been back together for 3 months. They've been amazing! I didn't expect I could feel as in love as I am. He's been seeing a shrink for 6 months and although he hardly ever talks to me about it, he seems to be doing much better. There have been changes, mostly a renewed respect for each other. But the one thing that doesn't go away is my jealousy of his ex. The jealousy keeps coming back.

She recently invited him to her party, in front of me, but did not invite me, I think to make me jealous. She said that for 5 years I never came to any of her parties and it made her feel rejected by me. I was irate that he accepted that and didn't insist I come with him as I'm his girlfriend, just increasing the jealousy. Just last weekend I was invited to a garden party she was having. I dreaded it for 3 days. I was so nervous with jealousy and I really didn't want to be near these women who I dislike so much. But I knew I had to be there, to be seen with him.

I'm having trouble trusting him and not being jealous, I'm having trouble accepting these girls in his life, that they'll make indecent moves towards my boyfriend, and feeling secure about myself enough to not let this worry me and create more jealousy. I want peace of mind. I don't want this jealousy issue to be part of my relationship with him anymore. I've had enough of jealousy. Something has got to change. I've come to this conclusion many times before, but have never managed to take the necessary following emotional step to stop being jealous.  

Classically, my head and my heart are not in agreement. Help me get rid of my jealousy fears.

To make changes in a relationship and get rid of the jealousy, you first have to make sure that you're not just seeing what you want to see. Many times we ignore what's happening in our relationships because we feel so desperate for love that the alternative of not being loved is more unbearable than the untruths we subconsciously tell ourselves. On the same token, we need to avoid making assumptions about our partners based on the fears we have, the ones that cause the jealousy.

Changing another person is not an option because it doesn't work in the long term and they become resentful at the attempts to change them. Start by seeing what you can change in yourself. To do this you have to be willing to be honest with yourself and be willing to let go of the need to be right. If you change some of your perspectives internally, you'll find that some of your issues will diminish because you also change your behaviors. ou have to be willing to be honest with yourself and be willing to let go of the need to be right. If you change some of your perspectives internally, you'll find that some of your issues will diminish because you also change your behaviors.

Start with the other women that you don't like in your boyfriend's life and are jealous of. Whenever we dislike somebody and have judgments on them, it's a strong signal for us to find out why. Jealousy and all other emotional reactions occur from assumptions that we make. 

Have you ever wondered why when you're in a really good mood, you're more tolerant and don't mind the people you can't stand at other times. Well, it's not because those people have suddenly changed, it's because you've experienced a shift in your emotional perspective and the meaning you give things.

When I sent you questions, the reasons you gave for not liking those girls had judgments you can use to look at yourself. Your insecurities and jealousy come out around these women not because you think you're better than them, but because you see yourself as inferior to them. That's why they are so threatening to you. 

They dress a certain way, act a certain way and talk a certain way that contribute to you insecurities and cause you to feel jealous. When you see this, you feel that they have something you don't and that lack might be seen by your boyfriend as a reason to not want to be with you. That really triggers your jealousy fears.

If you're a harsh critic with unkind words about you, that's the meaning that you apply to others. That changes when you feel better about yourself. Use the judgments you have on others to see how hard you are on yourself. These girls are who they are; they are neither good nor bad. How you react to them tells you more about your fears than about them.  If you're a harsh critic with unkind words about you, that's the meaning that you apply to others. That changes when you feel better about yourself. Use the judgments you have on others to see how hard you are on yourself. These girls are who they are; they are neither good nor bad. How you react to them tells you more about your fears than about them. 

You can use a similar way of thinking to look at the jealousy and trust issues in your relationship. The degree to which we trust others is in proportion to how much we trust ourselves. There are two directions for a relationship to go in after a partner has been unfaithful in the relationship. The relationship will either break under the strain of what's happened or the relationship will reach new levels of intimacy and trust as you both deal with the reasons and consequences of the affair. 

You'll have to work on your own trust and jealousy issues, the same way your partner must look at why he looked outside the relationship for physical and emotional gratification. For the relationship to keep growing, you both need to be able to communicate on a deeper emotional level.

Learn how to communicate differently than you are now, which involves seeing yourself more clearly and understanding yourself better by questioning the beliefs that you currently have. You'll need to look deeply into your fears and question them so they have less impact on you. Why do you think that, what does it mean, how did you come to that conclusion, why should it be true? earn how to communicate differently than you are now, which involves seeing yourself more clearly and understanding yourself better by questioning the beliefs that you currently have. You'll need to look deeply into your fears and question them so they have less impact on you. Why do you think that, what does it mean, how did you come to that conclusion, why should it be true?

Whether or not you should stay in this relationship is a decision that takes a lot of reflection. If you do leave, you'll carry forward your jealousy fears into your next relationship. If you follow my suggestions, you will be able to remove the jealousy fears and make them a thing of the past.